Dear Sirs and Sirettes,
Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow (ABTT) would like it entered into the record that as of January 30th, 2012, the sum total of our donations was $1,023,121.24.
Stephen Colbert, President of ABTT, has asked that I quote him as saying, ”Yeah! How you like me now, F.E.C? I’m rolling seven digits deep! I got 99 problems but a non-connected independent-expenditure only committee ain’t one!”
I would like it noted for the record that I advised Mr. Colbert against including that quote.
Shauna Polk Treasurer Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow, Inc.
Shauna Polk: Playing it straight when her client is a court jester of the best kind.
Dear Super PAC Super Members,
Hi there. I’m Jon. It looks like I’m running this thing now. All the details are in the press release below. Quick question: does anybody know where the key to the Super PAC bathroom is?
President Pro Tem
Americans For A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow
FOR REALLY IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Under New Management!
BASIC CABLE, USA – Americans For A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow, an FEC registered Super PAC, today announced the addition of Jon Stewart to its executive board (along with the subtraction of Stephen Colbert).
With this change the group, which had been known colloquially as Colbert Super PAC, can now be referred to as The Definitely Not Coordinating With Stephen Colbert Super PAC. They have already begun updating all of their letterhead with sharpie.
“I am excited to take the reins of this completely independent organization, and begin to air ads in South Carolina,” said New President and Noncommunication Director Jon Stewart. “But I want to be clear: Stephen and I have in no way have worked out a series of morse-code blinks to convey information with each other on our respective shows.”
Colbert is currently exploring a run for President of the United States of South Carolina. Because of this, he cannot be associated with any Super PACs, although he has asked Americans For A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow to forward any periodicals of an “adult nature.” *
Americans A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow is an independent, expenditure-only committee founded by Stephen Colbert in the wake of the Supreme Court’s Citizens United ruling, then handed down to Jon Stewart like a pair of old dungarees.
For Press Inquiries Contact:
Communications Director, Definitely Not Coordinating With Stephen Colbert Super PAC
* Including the periodical “Adult Nature”.
♥ for Stephen Colbert:
[…] We hammered out a contract over barbecue. Colbert Super PAC would pay up to $400,000 directly to the state and counties to defray the cost of the election. In return, the primary’s official name would be “The Colbert Super PAC South Carolina Republican Primary.” This name would appear on all press releases, official notices and signage, including the debates. We would finally raise democracy to the same level as the Tostitos™ Fiesta Bowl and Kardashian™ weddings.
Most importantly, the following non-binding referendum would appear on the ballot:
In order to address the issue of Corporate Personhood, the enfranchised People of the Sovereign State of South Carolina declare that:
( ) Corporations are people.
( ) Only people are people.
The GOP agreed to everything. The referendum was immediately requested, approved by the election commission, and even printed on sample and military absentee ballots. I had counted all of my chickens and was just waiting for them to hatch. Then the unthinkable happened — the activist judges of the S.C. Supreme Court ruled that the counties, not the GOP, would be responsible for funding the primary. And, in what I can only see as a personal attack on corporate persons, they ruled that all non-binding referenda be struck from the ballot.
The S.C. Republican Party no longer needed my $400,000, but being Southern gentlemen, they graciously offered to still want it. They would sell me the naming rights, if instead of giving my cash to the counties, I handed it directly to the party. I asked in return that they petition the court to get the referendum back on the ballot. They said no. I offered less money, $200,000, since I was getting only half of our original agreement. They said no.
Desperate, I reached out to the S.C. Democrats, who agreed to file a request to reinstate the referendum. That’s when the S.C. Republican Party withdrew their generous offer to sell me what they weren’t paying for. They told the press that my requests, “were considered but were declined,” because they, “were concerned about the sanctity of the primary election.”
If nothing else good comes from this, we have at least narrowed down the exact value of sanctity — somewhere between $200,000 and $400,000. […]
We must also tax everyone who’s found the ultimate loophole in our income tax code: Having no income. Just because you’re one of the 16.6 million unemployed Americans doesn’t mean you can’t pull your weight. That’s why god gave you two kidneys.
Colbert’s entire act rips to shreds any claim anyone on the Right can claim to seriousness. In portraying a homophobic, anti-tax, science-denying militarist, Colbert shows how radically absurd those actual ideas are. That character allows him to do things Stewart can’t, and Colbert is both brilliant and funny enough to pull it off nightly. Yes, some of his set pieces can be ridiculous, but such is the career of a gifted satirist. Enough are perfectly cutting.
When he breaks character, he does admirable things as well. His testimony before Congress on behalf of undocumented immigrants was incredibly admirable. His solidarity with soldiers in Iraq similarly so. His “It Gets Better” video is genuinely touching. All in all, he seems like a pretty remarkable guy and easily the wittiest and most important person on television today.