The American Bear

Sunshine/Lollipops

"Nation’s Sound Engineers Gather To Talk About Their Ponytails".

"Nation’s Sound Engineers Gather To Talk About Their Ponytails".

(via theonion)

Ever since I was a kid I dreamed of joining the Army. So as soon as I could, I went down to my local recruiter and enlisted, knowing full well that I’d probably be sent to Afghanistan. Now, with my first deployment less than a week away, there’s only one thing on my mind: how incredibly proud I’ll be to fight for my country, experience crippling psychological trauma, wait indefinitely for the proper health care, and then eventually become so depressed and mentally ill that I commit suicide. It’s what I’ve always known I was born to do.

It Would Be An Honor To Serve My Country, Return With PTSD, Sit On A Mental Health Care Waitlist, Then Kill Myself | The Onion

The most honest assessment of the current state of military and veterans affairs that you’ll find in any publication.

theonion:

U.S. Military Sends A Few More Of Those Things Over To Afghanistan To Replace Dead Ones

“A bunch of those things are dead or don’t work anymore, so we need to send over a bunch more,” said U.S. Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta, adding that while the military sent a bunch of new things in 2010, a good amount of them either died or were broken.“We’ve got tons of things just sitting around in Texas and Florida, so we’re going to send some of those.”

More.

theonion:

U.S. Military Sends A Few More Of Those Things Over To Afghanistan To Replace Dead Ones

“A bunch of those things are dead or don’t work anymore, so we need to send over a bunch more,” said U.S. Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta, adding that while the military sent a bunch of new things in 2010, a good amount of them either died or were broken.“We’ve got tons of things just sitting around in Texas and Florida, so we’re going to send some of those.”

More.

Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon

TEHRAN—Amidst mounting geopolitical tensions, Iranian officials said Wednesday they were increasingly concerned about the United States of America’s uranium-enrichment program, fearing the Western nation may soon be capable of producing its 8,500th nuclear weapon. “Our intelligence estimates indicate that, if it is allowed to progress with its aggressive nuclear program, the United States may soon possess its 8,500th atomic weapon capable of reaching Iran,” said Iranian foreign minister Ali Akbar Salehi, adding that Americans have the fuel, the facilities, and ”everything they need” to manufacture even more weapons-grade fissile material. ”Obviously, the prospect of this happening is very distressing to Iran and all countries like Iran. After all, the United States is a volatile nation that’s proven it needs little provocation to attack anyone anywhere in the world whom it perceives to be a threat.” Iranian intelligence experts also warned of the very real, and very frightening, possibility of the U.S. providing weapons and resources to a rogue third-party state such as Israel.

'I'm just going to level with you—the earth's carrying capacity will no longer be able to keep up with population growth, and civilization will end unless large swaths of human beings are killed, so the question is: How do we want to do this?' Cambridge University ecologist Dr. Edwin Peters said. 'Do we want to give everyone a number and implement a death lottery system? Incinerate the nation's children? Kill off an entire race of people? Give everyone a shotgun and let them sort it out themselves?' 'Completely up to you,' he added, explaining he and his colleagues were 'open to whatever.' Scientists: ‘Look, One-Third Of The Human Race Has To Die For Civilization To Be Sustainable, So How Do We Want To Do This?’ | The Onion

As Romneymania has grown, the Republican candidate has crossed over from political figure to cultural phenomenon. Countless reverent portraits of Romney have appeared in storefront windows and on building facades throughout the country, often accompanied by one of the candidate’s signature inspirational phrases, like “Let Detroit go bankrupt” or “Corporations are people, my friend.” The Onion (via evanfleischer)